


Numinous

by powerweirdo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bottom Lee Minhyuk, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Smut, Overthinking, Strangers to Lovers, Top Lee Jooheon, because uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 11:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21493498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/powerweirdo/pseuds/powerweirdo
Summary: Minhyuk struggles with the voice in his head, the voice that causes him to overthink each little detail life throws at him. He's anxious and scared, alone but accompanied by the voice he own. He meets a grocery store employee, who scares him, makes his voice's radar go wild, but later this employee ends up being the one he loves with all of his heart.
Relationships: Lee Jooheon/Lee Minhyuk
Comments: 16
Kudos: 77





	Numinous

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is written with experience, I myself know the struggles of overthinking and anxiety and fear and that shit. If you struggle with the same, or anything at all, I hope you have someone to talk to. I am here for you if you'd ever need anyone. Yell at me on my twitter: writingbeans whether you need someone to talk to or just be friends :D  
I love you all and thank you for reading my work <3  
Kudos and comments are appreciated

_Numinous (adj) nu˙mi˙nus_

_Describing and experience that makes you feel fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted - the powerful, personal experience of being overwhelmed and inspired_

When Minhyuk were younger, he loved watching other people. He observed every passerby, stared a bit too much at the old couple across the road, and payed attention to other's conversations. He smiled at the elderly couple, sometimes even waved as he saw their small smiles spread across their lips when they saw him.

Teens stared back at him, someone laughed and told their little group about the weird kid staring. Once, a young girl walked up to him and complimented his cute face. Minhyuk responded with hiding behind his mother's leg, he giggled and smiled, thanked the female with a whisper.

By listening to other's conversations he learned what not to do. He never spoke badly about someone who was different or embarrassed themselves in public. He also heard so many different variations of words exchanged in a love vow. Minhyuk was fascinated, seeing young and old people so deep in love. He hoped that one day he would have someone like that.

Someone who loved him as much as he loved them. They could share anything, be there for each other and give the other the love a human being needed. He swore to be the best boyfriend anyone could ever have.

Minhyuk was twelve when he first entered a relationship. It was with a gorgeous girl from his class. She was nice, so caring and polite. Minhyuk thought he had found his one and only. He bought her flowers, chocolate and sweets, brought her to the cinema and the pop-up amusement park. He won a plushie through a claw machine and gave her the little puppy. She named it after him and always had it by her side.

Slowly their relationship neared their first month together. That's when it ended. She broke up with him, kept explaining it was because she didn't want to be in his way. She was going to move, far away, a long-distance relationship would ruin so many opportunities for Minhyuk.

But Minhyuk knew that wasn't the whole reason behind their breakup. She simply lost interest in him and moving wasn't the real problem that would show up.

During the next three years, he started in middle school. Slowly he figured out more about himself. He figured out that he was more into guys than girls, he was not much of a social person, but still enjoyed making friends. He was loud, something that often made his classmates sigh and groan whenever he shrieked. A classmate once asked him to shut up, and he did.

The more he thought over it, the more he realized his mistakes. His usual talkative side shut down, whenever he was asked to answer by the teacher, he shook his head. Even that made him feel like he did something wrong. The judging looks he got from classmates as they thought of how dumb he must be. Minhyuk sunk into his seat each time, bit his lip and tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

When he talked with his friends, he was fast to shut himself up, he had already talked too much and they didn't really care anyway. These friends, slowly slid away from him, they didn't want to hang out with him, he was quiet, they simply forgot he existed and never felt the absence of the other.

Minhyuk talked too much, at least that was what he thought. His presence was a bother for others, and he was just in the way. During group works he sat in silence while he found information to their poster about the digestive system. The group had the presentation without him, they even agreed that he wouldn't need to come up with them. He had later looked at the poster and his name were nowhere to be seen.

The teacher noted that he hadn't done the task and that he was absent in three lessons.

Minhyuk found a new partner, a guy who were one year older than himself. He was sweet and nice, he respected that Minhyuk was a silent person. But just as others, he left Minhyuk, he was tired of being the only one who took initiative and gave up on him.

Another boyfriend broke up because Minhyuk didn't want to sleep with him. He was scared he'd do something wrong, that his body would look worse naked and spread under the other. He'd talk badly about him, how fat he is, the little mole on his stomach, the irregular shapes of his body. It would all be threatening words thrown at him to pin him to the ground.

For each relationship that went down the drain, each look someone threw at him, his confidence fell. In the end he quitted, all of the artificial love words, the artificial smiles, the artificial faith in the relationship, it was all just there to haunt Minhyuk. He was meant to be alone, no one bothered spending time with someone who didn't believe in themselves. It would only crave so much of the other partner, and soon they'd be tired of that bullshit.

Minhyuk was like a planet, this planet was forgotten by the sun, floating around alone in the dark. No stars within its radius, no spaceship wanting to roam around it. Just cold, dusty and lonely in the wide but narrow space of its malicious thoughts.

Each time his parents suggested therapy, to get help by someone, he'd kindly turn down the offer. They didn't want to hear his problems, right? They'd only think of him as the teen with problems so heavy he was left helpless. Not even therapists would believe in him, no creature with the power stronger than sci-fi characters could be able to help him. He was left on his own to rotten by the disgusting comments from the voice in his head.

Oh yes, the voice. The voice was actually his own, constantly shouting things he did wrong. Constantly telling him he was ugly, worthless, disgusting. Constantly bringing up the tiniest detail of himself that was wrong.

_Do you see your nose? Crooked, ugly._

_Do you see the curve of your rib? No one thinks well of anorexic people._

_Do you see the way your thigh wiggles? Fat, you're fat._

_You fucker, don't you see that this lady is staring at you? She thinks you're a bother, someone who shouldn't be allowed to live._

Each time his parents showed worry, he told the same excuse over and over again. "_I may be sad, but I need to catch my breath, let me be sad to collect myself, just a little more_," but this 'little more' turned into years.

Minhyuk looked down at the piece of paper his mom had handed him. A trail of groceries were listed, so far he had collected three of them. He just needed to go to the diary isle, and get the special spice his mom used for a bakery, before he could head to the checkout. He glanced over the billions of different products lined up for show. He saw the blue carton with milk, he opened the door and gripped the cardboard, placed it into his basket.

He turned to head for the last item when his eyes locked with a male's. It startled Minhyuk at first, the intense staring eyes looking directly into his. The eyes of the male were dark, deep and sharp. From the distance between them they could push through Minhyuk's barrier and tear him apart. Minhyuk retreated his eyes, looked down and hurriedly stepped over to the isle where the spice was.

Why did he stare like that? He must have looked beyond stupid to make someone stare like that, he did something wrong didn't he? He wear weird clothes, his hair is greasy, does he have unclean skin as well? Oh lord, this guy must think Minhyuk is the weirdest guy ever. He will probably sit down with his friends later and laugh at how stupid one of today's costumers looked.

With shaking inhales Minhyuk skimmed fast over the rows. Cinnamon, vanilla, ginger, pumpkin. Where is it?

He could hear footsteps nearing, he wanted to run. Please let it be a different costumer.

"Need help, sir?" a voice deep and soft reached his hears.

Minhyuk's shoulders shot up high under his ears, he closed his eyes of an instinct and shook his head harshly. Despite the calmness in this guy's voice, it only made Minhyuk more nervous. The voice in his head yelled at him, _it's your fault for looking so fucking awful all the time, blame yourself, kid._

Great, now this guy will totally think he's a weirdo and an ungrateful costumer. Next time Minhyuk has to go to the store this guy will look at him with a mean stare while whispering with coworkers. The young boy already felt the panic build up in his chest.

Minhyuk wanted to run to the grocery store farthest away from them the next time his mom asked him to go to the store. He would have done it, if just his dad didn't drive him to the local one. The local one where he last embarrassed himself in front of this employee. His legs shook under the weight of his body as he walked away from the car, why couldn’t his father at least follow him into the store?

The young boy tried to collect everything as fast as possible. His hood was drawn far up over his head, covering his face in shadows to hide his identity. But it didn't help.

Minhyuk felt eyes on him, he usually feels eyes upon him wherever he goes. However, this time he felt it so intense, he turned around, to lock eyes with the same guy as last time. He tidied in the shelves just a few meters away from him. He smiled, cheeks collecting into cute buns that wore little, hollow bumps forming his dimples. His teeth shined white and his eyes disappeared by his cheeks. His hair was a bright blue, making his skin look golden, but also pale and smooth.

Minhyuk turned away fast. He must look hilarious, that’s why he stared. The way his hood is tucked over his head, he looks foolish. The way the hood forms over his head, makes it look huge. The way the hood makes his face look smaller, that is a source to laugh at.

The brunet lifted his hands to hide himself more, hands shaking so badly he could barely calm down by seeing it. Minhyuk felt his heart speed up, it hammered against his chest and his breathing came out in irregular short huffs. The other male could probably hear him, he would be annoyed by how loudly he breathed, laugh at how stupid he looked.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

That is what Minhyuk is. He looks stupid, he acts stupid, his whole being is stupid. He is a bother.

"Are you okay?" the voice of the other male was soft, worried and calm.

_See? You're being a bother again. He has to talk to you, not because he's worried, because he doesn't want to be fired due to rudeness. He's annoyed, wished you never came into this store in the first place._

Minhyuk felt himself rip away from the touch, stumbled away as he tried to hold his tears in. He really fucked up, now this guy had a lot to make fun of him for.

Minhyuk loved nature, he sometimes went for a walk to the park close to his house. At late evening though, that was when it was almost empty, and he didn't need to worry about people seeing him. He loved staring into the pond, the silence devouring him and letting him relax. This was the only time his voice didn't try to break him apart.

He sat on the grass next to the pond, looked over at the little swan family that made its way up to the little hut built by the county to protect them. Swans have only one partner through their lifetime, once one of them dies, the other will die due to sorrow. That's true love. Something that everyone deserves, except Minhyuk.

"Hello?" a voice made Minhyuk jump, eyes widening before knowing the face of this person. "Hi, I- uhm…"

The voice belonged to the employee at the grocery store. Minhyuk had only heard it twice, but he could place that soft voice to its belonging face without having to think too hard. He was stumbling over his words, doesn't quite know how to tell Minhyuk how annoying he is, tries to tell him to stay away from the store he works in.

Minhyuk stared at him with wide eyes, slightly watery as the voice in his head made a comeback, yelling at him for still sitting there. Doing nothing else than stare in fear, listen to the voice, and waiting to break down of fear and overthinking.

"I didn't mean to scare you sorry," the blue haired grocery employee chuckled. "I also want to apologize for being too straight forward in the store."

Minhyuk's eyes locked with the other's. He smiled, dimples appearing. Minhyuk would lie if he said his heart didn't skip a beat. He was pretty, cute and so nice. He couldn't exactly live by that yet, he could be like everyone else. Act nice, turn on him and leave him with a falling confidence and a torturing voice reverberating through his head.

"It's okay," it was barely audible. The other looked over to the spot next to Minhyuk.

"May I-"

"I have to go," Minhyuk said fast, jumped to his feet and walked away. He didn't turn back to look at the other, was too caught up in listening to his voice.

The brunet came back to the pond days after, too scared that the other would wait for him. He couldn't look at him, not even in his head. He felt the judging eyes look at him, he'd laugh, walk up to him and bully him for the weak wimp he is.

Yet they still met.

This time the employee sat where Minhyuk sat days ago, threw pebbles he had collected into the water. Each plop ruining the still surface of the water. The tiny waves that formed traveled over the surface before dying out into silence again. Each pebble landed on a different location, first close to the island where the swans' hut was. Then one a bit closer to the reed waving in the light blow of the wind.

The moonlight shined down on the male, making his hair turn into a brighter blue, almost reflecting the rays of the moon. The rays reached his eyes, the glossy surface glittering like gold. His pale skin glowed, the edges and details of his face wearing an extra layer of white. He was gorgeous.

The other must have sensed Minhyuk's presence, he turned around and smiled when he saw him. He patted the area next to him, no word coming from him. Slowly Minhyuk walked over and sat down, distance kept between them.

The other still didn't say anything, kept throwing the pebbles far away, or close to them. The brunet felt his body relax to the sound.

Plip

Plop

Plop

Plip

Like rain, pitter-pattering against the tiles covering their roof. They slid down the rough surface, down the hill of tiles into the drainage. The droplets collected into a little river. The river's rushing sound as the current dragged the liquid towards the pipe that would lead it all to the ground.

Minhyuk looked over at the male again. His hair was blue, the color was a slight shade darker close to his scalp, the tips reminded him of cotton candy.

Just like his hair, the ocean is blue. The water a deep blue, the sky a light. His hair color was like the sky and the sea. The edges met, merged into the horizon visible for the naked eye. During the night the sun would slip into the merged area, spread new colors that would paint the sky and water into the prettiest of pastel colors.

Soon the sun would be gone, the sky darker, almost as dark as the water. White dots scattered around on the dark background, constellations visible for the astronomy hearts to read. The moon would take over for the night, shoot its light to land on the surface of anything within its reach.

The other turned to look at Minhyuk, their eyes met. It sent a jolt of electricity through the latter's body, making him feel all giddy and warm. The soft eyes glistened towards him, a weak smile tucked at the corner of his lips. Minhyuk couldn't help the smile that formed on his own lips.

Both males made a silent promise to meet each evening. Sometimes Minhyuk waited for the other, and sometimes the other waited for him. For each time they saw each other, they sat closer. An inch at a time, and in the end, Minhyuk leaned against the other man's body. Hand draped over his shoulder, which later moved down to his waist.

Words were spoken between them, Minhyuk's silent whispers and murmurs turned into soft talking. He laughed at the stupid jokes the other said, he reacted to the stories that left in rants, and he replied with words that made the other light up.

Still, no names were exchanged. The other's identity was completely unknown to Minhyuk, and vice versa. Nevertheless, he was okay with it. Nothing was hurried. They could wait, the names didn't matter the most when they met up. Even if they had time to go slow, they had a certain amount of time when they met.

This amount of time ran away from them, as soon as the other sat down, they talked. Only a few words, and then the clock tore them apart. Even if they'd meet the next day, it was hard to say goodbye. Sometimes they stayed, in the middle of the graveled path, gazing into the other's eyes, just for a minute.

Two minutes, they hugged before leaving.

Three minutes, they said they looked forward to the next day.

Four minutes, they kissed.

Five minutes, the blue haired male said _I love you_.

There was no name, no name Minhyuk could write down, no name to search up. No name to picture the boy's face with, no name to call out when finally seeing the other.

One day, Minhyuk didn't go to the park. He was at home, locked into the bathroom while his clothed body was swallowed by the punching rays of the shower. He cried, loud and hard, but the sound was muffled by the rushing water. His eyes hurt, tear after tear drying his eyes, his throat hurt, the rapid and rough sobs scraping at the insides, his heart ached, and his head was filled of deafening screams.

_Are you really this pathetic?_

_He doesn't love you!_

_He's using you._

_Why would he like you?_

_Don't you see how much of a burden you are?_

_You're unbelievably stupid!_

Yes, how stupid could a person possibly be? Minhyuk is just being naïve, he fell too deep into the other's spell. The other would leave him as everyone else, he didn't know anything about Minhyuk's condition, as soon as he got a peak, he'd disappear.

Minhyuk couldn't bring himself to leave the house, he couldn't go to the park. He stayed at home, under his duvet, waiting for the time to remove his problems. His mother wanted to help, but there was nothing she could do, so he kindly said no each time, as always.

Minhyuk thought of going to the store, maybe the park a few times too. Just to see if the other male waited each evening like he used to. Or if he still worked at the grocery store. But he stopped himself each time he rolled to the other side of the bed when he looked at the closed door engulfed by darkness. Then he rolled back.

No, he wouldn't wait. He'd forget Minhyuk, they didn't know each other's names anyway, it didn't matter. The love words that the other told would be told to someone else, someone he actually meant it to. Minhyuk would be a memory forgotten by newer ones. He wouldn't work in the grocery store, because he would get a job with higher ranks. He would become even better, and have no eyes on Minhyuk.

Days went by, nights and days were used to think of the guy. The moon, lighting up the features, the soft cheeks that were even softer to the touch. The pouty lips that were like a pillow meeting Minhyuk's. The eyes shining when looking at him, the awe that would be visible in his eyes whenever Minhyuk said something. The soft voice telling about his day, his hobbies, his friends.

The same voice that over and over again said: I love you.

Minhyuk missed it, he missed the other, he was his safe zone and a place he could finally try to be himself. He could talk, could breathe, could laugh, could smile, and his anxiety wouldn't ruin it. His worries were nowhere to be seen, he didn't overthink about the situation. The voice was silent.

If he dared to admit, he regretted. Regretted that he suddenly stopped going out to the park, because now he probably blew the chance of someone he had been looking for. Someone who loved him, even if they didn't know each other yet. Someone who didn't judge him, someone who listened to him, like he listened to them.

It was a once in a lifetime chance, and he ruined it.

Eventually, Minhyuk left the house. It was no coincidence that it was 7 PM, it was no coincidence that he sat down, at the exact same place he had with the other male.

Minhyuk had never been happier to see anyone in his whole life, than what he felt when he saw the familiar blue haired man walk up to him. He stood up to his feet and watched the other come closer. Their eyes locked, both staring widely at the other. He stopped in front of Minhyuk, hand reaching up to cup his cheek, he looked into his eyes, still shining.

He drew the other into an embrace, held him tight around his waist while mumbling something Minhyuk couldn't make out. But it didn't matter. A stray tear slipped over Minhyuk's bottom lid, down his cheek and onto the fabric of the other's clothes. He sniffed, held tight around the other's shoulders to press him closer to himself.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice shook, cracked by the sudden silent sobs.

"No, no, don't," the other replied, arms tightening around him. "Don't apologize, it's okay."

"It's not," Minhyuk said, hands clutching into the other's hair. "I didn't mean to…"

"It's okay, it really is. I am sorry, for not being there for you," he whispered, softly kissed his jaw.

"I left you, without telling you…why are you here?" Minhyuk felt a hand on his lower back rub circles, warmth spreading through the touch.

"I believed you'd come back, I wanted to be here when you would come back," the other leaned back, still holding the other tight.

"But why?"

"Because I love you, I don't want to let you go," his face was close, so close that their noses bumped.

Minhyuk's eyes fell shut, teeth biting into his bottom lip to prevent them from shaking to the rhythm of his coming cries. A kiss was placed on his forehead, on the bridge of his nose, the tip of his nose, and lastly to his lips. So sweet, soft and valuable. Minhyuk swore to never forget it, and never lose it. He _had_ found the right one. He didn't need to wait and see, didn't need to fear the other's reaction. He knew it.

"I'm Jooheon," the other said, fingers intertwined with the other's.

"I'm Minhyuk," the brunet replied, looked over at the smiling boy.

Months went by, and the young males fell into a relationship. Jooheon got to know about Minhyuk's anxiety and the tendency he had to overthink everything. The voice in his head that was his own, yelling at him just because he breathed. He was constantly worried, mainly of losing Jooheon, due to experiences of other people leaving him.

But Jooheon stayed, he promised to Minhyuk to be there, be his safe zone, and always help him. Jooheon came over to Minhyuk's place without even mentioning if they could stay at Jooheon's that time. He brought tiny presents for each visit. A little flower he picked in the trench, the little plant that reminded him of Minhyuk. A chocolate bar for Minhyuk when he felt a little low. A doodle Jooheon had spent hours of watching tutorials of. It made the brunet's heart beat faster and his cheeks heated up.

Jooheon invited Minhyuk over for pizza one weekend. Minhyuk's parents would be gone the whole weekend due to work, and Jooheon didn't want his boyfriend to be alone. He would pick him up, help him find the way and also shield him from the world that would trigger his overthinking and the vicious voice. 

The other had already set the table when they arrived. He was surprised when he entered the living room of Jooheon's apartment and saw candles burning. A vase holding a bouquet of roses on the middle of the table, a white tablecloth that had tiny plastic diamonds shaped as hearts. Two plates marked their spots next to each other, wineglasses on the top right.

Minhyuk scolded him for leaving the flames burning while he was outside. It is extremely dangerous, they could have arrived to an apartment caught on fire and Jooheon would have to pay for the damages the whole building would end up with. But the younger simply ignored it and whistled as if nothing was wrong.

Minhyuk smiled widely and pecked Jooheon's cheek. While they ate Jooheon talked about upcoming family events. He wanted to bring the older to his grandma's dinner later that month. She made so much delicious food that he wanted Minhyuk to taste too. Even if Minhyuk wouldn't eat much, feel a bit anxious and small in such circumstances, he wanted him by his side. To finally show his grandma the boy he repeatedly talked about, day in and day out, inhale and exhale. He also wanted him to join them to an amusement park in the summer, his explanation was because he wanted to try the claw machines, and bring Minhyuk to the new love tunnel attraction.

Minhyuk giggled while listening to all the memories Jooheon dug out to talk about. When he first laid his eyes upon Minhyuk, the day Jooheon claimed he fell in love with him. Yes, it was in a grocery store, not a romantic love story, but it was cute. He was worried for Minhyuk when he kept running away, and in the end he had taken the chance of telling the latter he was gorgeous. Which made Minhyuk's world stop of surprise.

He told about how worried he were when the brunet suddenly stopped showing up in the park. He was scared he had been too straight forward, that he scared the one he loved away. But Jooheon didn't want to give up just yet. He came to the park each evening, waited until the clock struck their usual goodbye moment. He waited just a little more some days, before leaving. Each day his hope would die down, yet he forced himself to be there. If Minhyuk would ever come back, he would show him how much he meant to him, how much he loved him, by waiting for him. No matter how long it took.

At the end of the evening, they had both whipped out their phones and leaned towards each of their own corner of the couch, the conversation silenced. Both were occupied while they waited for the schedule to tick bedtime. Minhyuk felt the urge to know what the other did. He looked up now and then to see the other smile and rapidly tapping the screen to write his answer.

Who was he talking to?

Maybe he talked with someone who made him happier? And this someone was much better company than Minhyuk. Maybe Jooheon wanted to spend time with this person rather than Minhyuk. What if they were already in a relationship behind Minhyuk's back.

He couldn't blame the younger. He was the worst person to ever be in a relationship with. Constantly worrying, having to be reminded daily that there really is love between them. Crying for the tiniest reason and never being able to be in public together. Minhyuk usually turned down offers, each time Jooheon suggested something, he said no. Stayed at home and waited for Jooheon to try to call him. But lately, there were no calls from him. Visits went from the whole week, to rarely twice a month.

Minhyuk's tears slowly dripped down onto his cheeks. He seemed so much happier writing to whoever this was. Forgetting that the male in front of him, is the boyfriend he is stuck with. The boyfriend that force him to change his life, just to be with him.

The moment a loud sniff escaped him, he turned, fast as he mentally hit himself for making noise. Jooheon heard, he moved closer to embrace him.

"Minnie," he whispered. Hands caressed his back, lips kissed his temple and his head.

Minhyuk wanted to ask if he cheated, but couldn't bring himself to. Instead he listened to the buzzing, felt the caress of his boyfriend's hands and the soft kisses.

"Why are you crying?"

Jooheon could read the other as an open book after all the time they had spent together. If Minhyuk simply threw a worried glance to his phone, he'd know something was wrong about what he had done. If he shrunk into his seat during the family events, he would be uncomfortable, the best would be to take him home. If he were silent, he'd need comfort and the presence of the other.

"I'm sorry, I was talking to Changkyun, I didn't mean to make you worried," he explained, kissed the other's nose as the male's tense body loosened up.

Changkyun, oh yes, he's Jooheon's best friend. Minhyuk had met him himself, he was nice, calm and easy to be close to. He never triggered any alarms in Minhyuk's head, and he would always respect Minhyuk's wish of being in Jooheon's room until he left.

"I'm sorry," Minhyuk apologized. He should trust his boyfriend more than that.

Minhyuk nibbled at his bottom lip, stared at the reflection the mirror recreated before him. He took deep breaths while he looked at his body. The pale skin, narrow waist and the little area of fat on his tummy. It was barely visible, Jooheon had scolded Minhyuk for even calling it fat. But for Minhyuk it made him look fat and round.

Either way, he tried not to think of it. Today was their anniversary, their first whole year as a couple. Minhyuk knew his mental strength wasn't even on the chart for this, but he really wanted to do something special for Jooheon. He trusted him, that was enough to keep his courage up.

He pulled a hoodie over his head and headed back into the living room. He had a few hours to himself, to get his confidence boosted up and trust himself. He drew the curtains over to cover the glass of the windows, dimmed the light and found the best playlist he had saved.

Minhyuk spent the time alone to dance around in their home, sang to the lines he knew by heart. He jumped onto the couch and threw his head side to side while smiling, bouncing on the seat. He grabbed the remote, brought it to his mouth and used it as a microphone.

At one point he could hear the jiggling keys and the exterior door opening. Minhyuk jumped up from the now slopped position he had on the couch and ran to the hallway. The latter jumped straight into the arms of the other, which made him drop the items he held in his hands. They had seen each other earlier that morning, but now that Minhyuk was excited and felt the wave of confidence roll through his body, he had to get it out by acting like a dog seeing its owner after a long day.

Jooheon kissed him softly a few times on the lips, smiling as the older giggled and nuzzled their noses together. Jooheon asked a few questions, made sure that Minhyuk really meant what he had said the day before, because he wanted to know the other's opinion (and simply because he couldn't wait). When Minhyuk nodded, the blue haired paved his way through the house to their room.

When they were inside, he kissed him again, slow and loving. Jooheon had the control for the whole evening. Minhyuk was okay with it. He trusted the other, he wouldn't hurt Minhyuk, nor do something he wouldn't like. They had already talked about if they were ready for over an hour the other day. Which Minhyuk was. Ready to give all of the trust and love he had to the younger.

Minhyuk wasn't much of a vocal person, because he had feared that he made too much noise for a long time, which ended up being his habit. His voice was annoying, no one would like to listen to anything that came out of his mouth. Instead he exhaled a lot, sighed in pleasure rather than using his voice. All the kisses Jooheon trailed down his body, left his mouth open while shakily trying to breathe.

Minhyuk had never felt hotter, his cheeks burned and he could see the red blush on his nose. Jooheon was slowly pushing in through his tight rim, which made the brunet's breath hitch and get caught in his throat.

They looked into each other's eyes, Jooheon had a smile on his lips as he imitated the other's facial expression, sighing as the other had just done before erupting into a chuckle. Minhyuk slapped his shoulder, moved to hide in the crook of his neck.

"Sorry, you're just so cute," Jooheon apologized and kissed his neck.

By the time Jooheon had picked up a pace, thrusted into the tight heat, Minhyuk whined like soon to be broken breaks on a car. His hands clawed at the back of the man above him. Each thrust earned a whine that died into a pitch at the end.

His sweet spot was found easily, as if Jooheon had a map and followed it to find the exact place where the treasure was hidden. Minhyuk had never heard himself moan so loudly before, he startled himself as the loud sound slipped out of his mouth, it made him close his mouth with a quick movement. Closing all the noises inside. Although, Jooheon didn't like that. He immediately started kissing the other, deep and passionate to hear the sounds the other tried to lock up.

His eyes rolled into his skull and a feeling of warmth blooming inside his stomach spread out into his body. He chanted the other's name between the combination of breathy and vocal moans. Minhyuk felt like he levitated when the brown eyes of the other locked with his, he came while holding his gaze, cheeks even redder than before.

After about two years, Jooheon said it was enough. He didn't want to go to Minhyuk's place all the time, didn't want Minhyuk to once in a while come over to his place. They would end the traveling between each other. They could no longer live separately. The two males should rather move in together, a little apartment for them both, or a house if it meant less stress and anxiety for Minhyuk.

And so they did.

A little house fifteen minutes away from Minhyuk's childhood home. A house that was cutely placed between neighbors Minhyuk could remember seeing in elementary school. They were now old, but back then they had picked up Minhyuk's classmates. The house was big enough for them both, a bathroom, a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, and a basement. But the basement was only used the first few weeks of moving in. All the stuff they didn't want in the house, was stuffed down there and forgotten.

Minhyuk was always at home, he didn't work, was done with school, and now spent the time waddling around in their house. He felt bad for Jooheon, he was the one who had to work and pay for everything. Minhyuk was just stuck with his anxiety. He didn't dare to go to job interviews, didn't dare to ask the elderly couple if they needed help, to earn a little amount of pocket money. Nor did he dare to ask the dog owners if they needed someone to dog sit or walk their dog.

During the middle of February, Jooheon began to come home late. Usually he'd be home around 4 PM, it was when his shift at the grocery store was over. But now he wasn't home before 12AM. Sometimes he headed straight into the shower, and then fell right into dreamland. He could head straight to the bedroom when he got home, dead as a fish on the top of the covers. Still in his uniform.

Minhyuk tried not to think too much about it. Jooheon seemed tired from before, maybe he had to cover up for someone? Or his boss needed him to work later? He couldn't bother the other with his little overthinking, scared bum. It would only make the exhaustion worse.

Although, their sleeping routine was as before. Jooheon either snuggled up against his back, or Minhyuk snuggled up against his chest. An arm loosely hanging over his waist to keep him close and share warmth. Sometimes Minhyuk felt kisses through his sleep, hair strands brushing over his skin. And then the screaming of the alarm ripped Jooheon away, warmth with him.

But when Jooheon came home, a different scent floating around him, Minhyuk couldn't help but cry. The other had simply pushed Minhyuk away when he tried to hug him, then he disappeared into the bathroom for an hour. When he got out, he headed to the bedroom and silence was the next clue. Minhyuk cried himself to sleep, for the little amount of sleep he could get, as he pictured his boyfriend with all types of people.

Over half of the night was spent with silent crying and sobs, gripping the cushion next to him so hard it left prints. When Jooheon woke up in the morning he acted as if he slept, far gone into what would have been a deep sleep for the older. He recognized the shapes of the younger's lips when he kissed his forehead.

Minhyuk wanted to scream at Jooheon, slap him across the cheek to tell him how much of a fucker he is. But could never bring himself to do so. Each morning Jooheon left at 7.30 AM, came back 12.30 AM with the same dead tired expression.

Jooheon's phone laid on the kitchen counter, Minhyuk stared at it as it regularly buzzed and lit up. Slowly he walked over. Lifted the device and tapped the numbers that formed the brunet's birthday. The screen dived straight into a conversation. _Misun_.

Who is she?

** _Sent from Jooheon 2.30 PM_ **

_I think Minhyuk is suspicious_

** _Received from Misun 2.34 PM _ **

_What makes you think so?_

** _Sent from Jooheon 2.36 PM_ **

_Because he looks at me with anger in his eyes_

_Believe me I know him_

** _Received from Misun 2.39 PM_ **

_Oh shit_

_You have to be more discreet_

_Did you wash off the perfume before you got home after that time?_

** _Sent from Jooheon 2.41 PM_ **

_No I didnt_

_And after that he just…_

_Changed_

_I mean I cant blame him_

_I want to tell him…_

** _Received from Misun 2.43_ **

_Nononono_

_Dont back out now_

Minhyuk looked at the messages, farther up there were questions asked when Jooheon would come over to this Misun's house. If the presents she had given him fitted, if the flowers worked. There were even questions about Minhyuk. How to now hurt him, how to not scare him, and what type of person he was. Jooheon had so openly talked about him, details the older had never heard the other talk about, but was shared with this female. Clearly some messages were deleted, the chat didn't make sense some places. It went from a secret to a question asking if Jooheon was done at work. It was as if Jooheon knew Minhyuk would check through it.

Pling.

A new message slipped in.

** _Received from Misun 1.03 AM_ **

_Cant wait to see you tomorrow, aaaa im so hyped it will be so fuuuun!!!_

A door opened in the distance. Minhyuk shut the device off and ran to safety in the living room just when Jooheon appeared. He wore his sweatpants, torso naked and still humid from the shower. He smiled to Minhyuk.

The older felt a disgust boil in his stomach. This guy dared to cheat behind his back, do whatever with a woman who seemed to be so hyped to help him cheat. The guy who had been his safe zone and promised to stay, became the guy Minhyuk couldn't trust and wanted to push away.

The smile on Jooheon's face faded when he never smiled back. He sighed, walked over to Minhyuk and kissed his cheek.

"Sorry, Minnie, I've been busy with stuff lately, I didn't mean to leave you alone," Jooheon apologized, he moved to kiss Minhyuk's lips, but he turned away.

Did he think he could hide it? Oh, how Minhyuk wanted to scream, hit him, cry and leave. But he didn't he just walked away and hid in the bedroom.

Two weeks passed by. In the end Jooheon got back to the regular routine of being home at 4 PM. He made dinner for Minhyuk, whether he wanted it or not. Came home with a bouquet of flowers once a week. The other had taken them with an unreadable expression, and stuffed them into the almost full trash bin right after.

One day when Jooheon was at work, the doorbell rang. Minhyuk's heartbeat sped up and he felt his whole body shake. No one used to ring on their door, and if so, it was when Jooheon was home. Jooheon used to open the door since he knew Minhyuk neither dared nor were able to.

With hesitant steps he walked to the door, did Jooheon forget his keys? No, he was working, and if he had, he would call. Did the mailman have a package too huge for their mailbox? No, then they would need to pick it up themselves. A person who was lost?

With shaking hands, he pushed down the doorknob. On the outside a young woman stood, just a bit older than himself. Her dark hair fell down over her shoulders, she was shorter than Minhyuk which made him feel less scared. Why is a good question, she is still a human who wanted to communicate socially with him.

"Minhyuk? Hi, I'm Misun, Jooheon's colleague," she smiled and talked slowly. Instead of looking directly into Minhyuk's eyes she closed them as she smiled.

_Minhyuk doesnt like when people he doesnt know look at him_

Jooheon had told her that.

As Minhyuk dumbfoundedly stared at her, he thought of the way she introduced herself. As Jooheon's colleague. You have to come up with better lies, bitch.

The young boy moved to close the door, but she stopped it with her hand.

"Please, wait. Jooheon needs you to come to the park. I'm just here to pick you up."

Minhyuk looked around, the street was empty. No one was home at this hour, everyone was busy with school or work. He looked back at her. "Why?" he simply pressed out.

"I'm sorry I cannot tell you, but it's really important," again she smiled.

Minhyuk refused to join her. Join the woman who maybe had an affair with his boyfriend? No thank you. By all Minhyuk knows, she may be tricking him into something, it may not even be Misun who she claims to be. In the end Changkyun ended up being on the other side of the door as well. He explained to the other that it wasn't tricking, it was important and Misun was as said, just there to pick him up.

He ended up following them to the park, where he met Jooheon. The same spot they used to meet up years ago. He smiled when he saw Minhyuk and walked up to him. Misun and Changkyun ended up staying a couple of meters behind them.

"This has been the most awful way to do this, I am aware," Jooheon started, held both of Minhyuk's hands.

Minhyuk stared coldly at him.

"I am sorry, I know I have made you worried, angry and sad. And I am so sorry I haven't been able to do anything. When I finally got time to do something, it was too late. Seeming as the flowers and attention meant nothing for you," Jooheon's eyes got glossier of the tears filling his eyes. But he blinked them away. "And I hope it's not too late…"

He let go of Minhyuk's hands, tucked his hand into his pocket before slowly lowering to the ground. Only one knee against the rough surface of the gravel, supporting the body to stay up, while the balance was held by the other leg that was bent. Jooheon's hands held a little object, a box covered in black and a golden writing that was hard to read.

"Minnie, will you marry me?"

Minhyuk's jaw dropped, the box that was now opened revealed a silver ring, three diamonds pressed into the front. A big one in the middle, and two smaller at the sides.

So was this why?

This was why he was so late back home?

This was why he talked secretly with a colleague?

This was why he was so tired and exhausted?

Because he worked extra and harder to be able to afford such a thing?

Minhyuk's hands covered his mouth, eyes watering and the tears slipped freely over his eyelids. He should have trusted the other more. He should have talked instead of staying shut. Not to earn the truth that would spoil the upcoming surprise, but to avoid the anger he felt towards the younger.

Jooheon always promised to stay with Minhyuk, always said words that meant more than anything to Minhyuk. Jooheon's random cooking just to turn his frown upside down. He claimed to be his safe zone, which he never abused the title of. He was the one Minhyuk had wished for since he was a child. Minhyuk should be the one he promised to be in return too. Stop being so scared, stop letting the voice control him. Show Jooheon just how grateful he is.

Minhyuk's head nodded, hands falling down to circle around the other's neck, and he kneeled together with Jooheon.

"Yes!"

At the end, Minhyuk grew closer to Jooheon, Jooheon helped him with his anxiety, with his overthinking, and even made the voice shut up for a long time. Minhyuk had still not heard anything from it, it had been eight years already. Minhyuk felt free, which made him so happy. He could finally attend to Jooheon's grandma's dinner, and the younger had not exaggerated a bit when he said the food was delicious and not even the pickiest could stop eating.

They went to the amusement park, Minhyuk had never screamed and laughed his lungs out more in his life. The rollercoasters were fun, and hilarious because they screamed like two chickens. Each time they reached the booth after the ride, they'd break down laughing by how funny the pictures were. When they came home and they emptied their bags on the bed, around fifteen ride pictures, four keychains and nine magnets fell out of the pockets.

Jooheon did get Minhyuk into the love tunnel. Snuggled up into the little cart they rolled through the attraction. It was so beautiful Minhyuk ended up dragging the younger straight to the line again when they had stepped out. Jooheon also got a plushie from the machine he had been bragging about. The one that Jooheon always won gifts of because he was smarter than the machine.

It took him about five tries and nineteen tickets, but he managed to grab the bee plushie, its antennas wore tiny hearts and it held a flower. Jooheon handed the bee to Minhyuk, but Minhyuk thanked the bee since it looked like it wanted to give him a flower. Jooheon pouted and the older chuckled.

"It might be a polite bee," Minhyuk said, tucked it into his bag and wrapped his hands around Jooheon. "But you're my honeybee."

Jooheon tsked silently and kissed the other.

Their hands were linked for the rest of the day, even on the ride home. Minhyuk could feel the cold material of the ring around Jooheon's finger against his own fingers, it made him smile.

Jooheon was Minhyuk's,

and Minhyuk was Jooheon's.


End file.
